“I always take chances and don’t take things slowly but surely. Rather, I do things in a fast and easy way.”
I always call myself a happy-go-lucky girl. Happiness is all that matters to me when you happen to see me. I laugh a lot. I like going to parties, especially slumber parties. I like ice creams, cakes, and chocolates. I like going to the beach although I’m not good at swimming. I love having fun. I love playing volleyball with my pals, badminton with whoever has a racket, table tennis whenever there’s a table for it, and pool, or sometimes, billiards. Music makes me happy, too. I like listening to them. I enjoy playing the guitar… I always admire nature. I like having short walks along the road and seeing the beauty of the surroundings that gives me fresh air… Anime is great!! Watching them makes my day complete. Oh, and a picnic with friends is also delightful, and sharing happy moments with them makes me simply be me.
Since I’m a happy-go-lucky delinquent juvenile, I’m into adventures. I’m a risk-taker, a messy-planner, and a troublemaker. Well, for the “messy-planner” part, I mean I like planning things but most of these plans aren’t usually successful, unfortunately. All I can say is “At least I gave it a try”. I make decisions quickly, maybe because I jump into conclusion. When I make a choice, it’s hard for me to turn back. I’m a positive-thinker most of the time. I look at things in a bright perspective, sometimes so bright that it blinds me to see the shadows behind. Sometimes, I don’t see the implications some things can do because I’m so positive about life. “Realization and regrets are always at the end,” as a saying goes. These things aren’t that good for me, so in the long run, we all assume that I’ll be a loser with this happy-go-lucky character.
As for that, let my zodiac do the talking. I’m an aries, born winner. Many times in my life, I win when I least expected to. I win, not always, but often. Actually, I don’t believe in what zodiac signs say or do with out lives. When people say that zodiacs are really associated with our being, I can think of a hundred reasons to protest. But for the sake of this essay, and for the honor of a great friend who really believes in these damn things, I’ll continue. All right, aries is a fighter, so am
And so I end up having problems. Hell, this happy-go-lucky girl also has a lot of problems! Financial problems… nah, I can get along without money. I’m not into material things. But we can’t live in this world without money. So, in the end, I still have to consider that as a problem. Personality… sometimes, I’m not contented and happy with who I really am. Everyone is a unique individual. Yeah, that’s true. But, am I as unique as the others? Sometimes, I’m afraid to trust others, mainly because I don’t trust myself either. I always play “If I were on someone’s shoes” and can’t help but admire others’ lives and cursing mine. I wanna be proud of myself. That’s all. Friendship problems… Opening up to my friends is not as easy as I thought it could be. I always try to tell them my deepest secrets and hardest problems but my pride overwhelms me. I wanna tell them my innermost feelings and my sincere gratitude but something inside me fights back to hide my real feelings. I end up closing myself a little more and staying in that little shell that covers my true identity. Revealing any feeling will only make me weak, said that voice within me.
Yeah, I want to look strong. I always pretend that I’m OK. I always say that I can solve my problems without anybody’s help. I always tell myself that I shouldn’t be afraid of what may happen to me. And for that, I’m the biggest fraud in life. Everyone just knows who I am in the surface. They know what are my faves, hobbies, and interests but they don’t know what I’ve been going through in the inside. I’m surrounded by people I can fool by my lies and deceptions. I’m an unpredictable person. If I show them that I’m suffering, they would think that I’m weak, which I don’t wanna happen. If I ask for help, they would laugh at me. I don’t wanna hurt my pride. I’ll just enjoy life, win every battle, and be strong. With these veils of deceit, I am sure that being a happy-go-lucky girl is just a charade.
I always put a brave front. But deep inside, I’m shaking with fear. Everybody knows me as the intelligent, funny, girl-next-door type of person. But nobody knows that I’m just a great actress tricking everyone’s eyes. I really am not strong. When no one sees me, I just sit at the corner and cry. I unleash my true self when I’m alone… the real me. I’m just the usual sort, perhaps less than ordinary. The emotions I hide when I’m with everybody emerge in my room, as painful as they can possibly be. My room is always flooded with anger, fear, hatred, disbelief, and every negative thought and feeling. The bright side of my world vanishes and I face the dim and dark truth. I always cry. I have to. If not, I’m afraid my heart will be overloaded and will soon blow up. It’s the hardest part of my living, when conscience wakes up and haunts me until I curl my body in fear. The human mind I more complicated than we could think it is. Our feelings are more difficult to understand than we could imagine.
Here I am, the happy-go-lucky girl--- sad, worn-out, weak, and tired. I’m always visited by my ghostly past and I can’t stop worrying if there’s a good future waiting for me. I’m bare and vulnerable. I have a hollow inside wanting to be filled with love and happiness and care. [ I told you, I don’t believe in that stupid zodiac. ]
The sadness I feel gives way to the emotional me. When I’m alone and lonely, I make poems that express my feelings, at least half of my feelings if not all. I also compose songs that always run out of tune before I could finish them. I also imagine things, great things that lead to stories I create. But unfortunately, I get lazy before I finish those stories. I have lots of ideas on my mind. I think I can be creative at times, but I’m not patient and hardworking, so it has no use. When I’m depressed I watch movies. When everything fails to lighten the burdens I carry, I just go to bed and sleep, wishing that every heartache and pain will go away by the time I wake up. But every time I sleep, nightmares find their way to disturb my dreamland and force me to face the real world where my problems still lie.
Each day will just begin and end quickly, but not as blurred and vague as I pray it to be. I just don’t want to remember anything or anyone that can add to the pains I feel. But as I ponder over, I realize that I’m the one who causes the greatest misery in my own life.
This essay reveals barely an inch of me. You still have to run a thousand miles to know who I really am. I bet no one can certainly understand the real me, and no one ever will.
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