..every side and face..

..ang plastik ko... kinumusta ko pa sya. pero deep inside, sabi ko, "sana makarma ka."

..it was so unfair. i felt betrayed. but i know, partly, it's also my fault. i've been so trusting. i've been so dumb. and this is the consequence of my actions. bloody hell!!!

..pero ayun, unfair paren. ano'ng consequence ng actions nya? a beautiful and equally stupid girlfriend. does he deserve her? and vice versa? parehas silang nang-hurt ng feelings ng iba. and unfortunately, ako yung isa sa mga nasaktan. yun nga lang, late yung reaction ko kasi ngayon ko lang 'to nalaman.

..and worse, ngayon ko nga lang 'to nalaman. it was so... argghh! infuriating talaga. well, it's the story. the numb met the dumb. and they lived happily(?).. i dunno. it's THEIR story.

..and all this time, akala ko ganun lang talaga ang buhay. relationships are transitory. they all fade in time. but one thing i didn't know before: that there's this one factor that contributes to the fading of a relationship. that relationships don't fade without a reason. and in our case, her name is F... franchesca? fiona? farah? i forgot her name. and i don't care that i forgot. coz basically, i don't care about her name at all. not at all.

..but it's his name i care about. and because i care, i won't tell his name to you. i won't tell you how many times i've written his name at the back of my notebook whenever i get sucked up in oblivion. i won't tell you how many times my brother heard me calling his name in my sleep. i won't tell you how many fucking times i got emotionally driven by his nonsense phonecalls. i won't tell you how many times i went crying crazily, dramatically, unnaturally, and weirdly enough for my friends to call me "insane over him."

..yet, after all of the drama of being heartbroken, and after i've finally moved on, those bitchy words came right in front of me, blazing in my monitor, screaming at me. fuck this!

..he's a total charmer. and rhyming with it, he's a two-timer. that's cool. much much cool. he has always known that he can get away with his good looks. and yeah, he got away with it. and i felt so fucked up!

..at kamusta naman yun? i don't know if he knows that i already knew what he did. i don't know if he knows that i'm so fucking mad at him. well, probably, he doesn't know. he doesn't know about anything i'm saying right now. he doesn't know and he doesn't care. ouch!

..i wish i wouldn't care too. i wish i wouldn't care so much.
..but as of now, i know wishes are only wishes and nothing more.

..hell, it's hell.

..it was perfect..
..a stolen shot from afar. he was smiling. eyes glinting.
..then he saw me. i turned to leave. but my feet were rooted on the soft ground.
..no other escape. no alibis. nothing.
..he was walking towards me.
..but then, just like a savior, waking me up from a trance, my friend called.
..and he stopped inches away from me.
..i finally walked away. thanking my friend. but cursing myself.
..he was so close. it should have been perfect.
..but i dumped the thought.

..he was saying something i can't understand. i kept walking. he was shouting.
..his voice getting more inaudible in every step.
..i reached the bench. slumped there. ended the call.
..that's when i realized, i've been so stupid not to notice it before.
..i dropped my camera.
..it was now on the hands of the guy with that picture perfect smile.

..i wanna write something different..
..different from the hectic schedule i always blab about..
..different from the fact that i'm missing my family in bulacan..
..different from the feeling of longing for my super special friends..
..different from talking about my special someone..

..i think..
..if i write something different,
that would be about "nothing"..

Seshari says:

“Every day is just the same as it seems. But I know it makes a difference deep within.”

As someone living on earth, I feel bored with my life. Each day, I wake up as early as 5am to prepare for school. Then, I scold my brother for being so slow and we exchange loud remarks just to satisfy our egos. I always try to say goodbye to my parents but my dad is still sleeping when we leave and mom goes back to sleep after grooming us up. When we ride the tricycle to go to school, I attempt to reconcile with my brother or say sorry for my impatience, but nothing happens. I end up spending the ten minutes wondering what life has in store for me. Realizing that life is just the same, I shake my head and smile to myself.

As soon as I get off the tricycle, I walk fast-paced though I know I’m still early. When I enter our classroom, I find only two or three of my classmates there and we spend the rest of the fifteen minutes chatting with each other. Eight hours at school passes by so quickly. I sit on my chair listening to every teacher, sometimes trying hard to keep myself awake. After class hours, I go home tired and stressed. I try to greet my parents, but when I see their crossed eyebrows for some reasons, I go straight to my room and stay there until dinner. Before I go to sleep, I realize that nothing new happens to me.

I feel like I’m an empty person, moving like a robot, finishing task after task, going from home to school and back home. I fail to connect with the people around me. I live my life by routine. Life for me is just like a video that keeps playing and rewinding and playing again.

I know I can’t be like this forever. There is more to life than sunrise and sunset. I should make the most out of each day. When I’ve planned what to do the next day, I sleep. But as I wake up, everything’s just the same again.

Many of the students also feel this way. It’s like everyday is a copy of yesterday. And worse, it’s all black and white. But, have you ever thought of the simple achievements that make life extraordinary? The short moments that make you laugh until you cry? And the remarkable things that are worth reminiscing? Then life’s not boring at all!

Remember, you manage your own life. Everything is up to you. You are given different choices and all you have to do is decide and choose. Every day, the sun rises to give you the opportunity to live life well. It also rises to let you be the person you want to be. Then one day, it won’t rise anymore. When that day comes, will you be glad with what your life has become? Or will you ask for another chance to live?

As we are on our way to school, my brother taps me on the back. I look at him questioningly. Then, he says sorry for his misbehavior at home. I take a deep breath and smile at him. I know every day is exceptional, not just usual…

“I always take chances and don’t take things slowly but surely. Rather, I do things in a fast and easy way.”

I always call myself a happy-go-lucky girl. Happiness is all that matters to me when you happen to see me. I laugh a lot. I like going to parties, especially slumber parties. I like ice creams, cakes, and chocolates. I like going to the beach although I’m not good at swimming. I love having fun. I love playing volleyball with my pals, badminton with whoever has a racket, table tennis whenever there’s a table for it, and pool, or sometimes, billiards. Music makes me happy, too. I like listening to them. I enjoy playing the guitar… I always admire nature. I like having short walks along the road and seeing the beauty of the surroundings that gives me fresh air… Anime is great!! Watching them makes my day complete. Oh, and a picnic with friends is also delightful, and sharing happy moments with them makes me simply be me.

Since I’m a happy-go-lucky delinquent juvenile, I’m into adventures. I’m a risk-taker, a messy-planner, and a troublemaker. Well, for the “messy-planner” part, I mean I like planning things but most of these plans aren’t usually successful, unfortunately. All I can say is “At least I gave it a try”. I make decisions quickly, maybe because I jump into conclusion. When I make a choice, it’s hard for me to turn back. I’m a positive-thinker most of the time. I look at things in a bright perspective, sometimes so bright that it blinds me to see the shadows behind. Sometimes, I don’t see the implications some things can do because I’m so positive about life. “Realization and regrets are always at the end,” as a saying goes. These things aren’t that good for me, so in the long run, we all assume that I’ll be a loser with this happy-go-lucky character.

As for that, let my zodiac do the talking. I’m an aries, born winner. Many times in my life, I win when I least expected to. I win, not always, but often. Actually, I don’t believe in what zodiac signs say or do with out lives. When people say that zodiacs are really associated with our being, I can think of a hundred reasons to protest. But for the sake of this essay, and for the honor of a great friend who really believes in these damn things, I’ll continue. All right, aries is a fighter, so am I. I fight for my beliefs, for my good, and for the sake of my loved ones. I fight physically as well as mentally and emotionally. I’m an initiator. I initiate on many things, good or bad, smart or whacky, funny or serious. And I, like an aries, is short-tempered and hardheaded at times.

And so I end up having problems. Hell, this happy-go-lucky girl also has a lot of problems! Financial problems… nah, I can get along without money. I’m not into material things. But we can’t live in this world without money. So, in the end, I still have to consider that as a problem. Personality… sometimes, I’m not contented and happy with who I really am. Everyone is a unique individual. Yeah, that’s true. But, am I as unique as the others? Sometimes, I’m afraid to trust others, mainly because I don’t trust myself either. I always play “If I were on someone’s shoes” and can’t help but admire others’ lives and cursing mine. I wanna be proud of myself. That’s all. Friendship problems… Opening up to my friends is not as easy as I thought it could be. I always try to tell them my deepest secrets and hardest problems but my pride overwhelms me. I wanna tell them my innermost feelings and my sincere gratitude but something inside me fights back to hide my real feelings. I end up closing myself a little more and staying in that little shell that covers my true identity. Revealing any feeling will only make me weak, said that voice within me.

Yeah, I want to look strong. I always pretend that I’m OK. I always say that I can solve my problems without anybody’s help. I always tell myself that I shouldn’t be afraid of what may happen to me. And for that, I’m the biggest fraud in life. Everyone just knows who I am in the surface. They know what are my faves, hobbies, and interests but they don’t know what I’ve been going through in the inside. I’m surrounded by people I can fool by my lies and deceptions. I’m an unpredictable person. If I show them that I’m suffering, they would think that I’m weak, which I don’t wanna happen. If I ask for help, they would laugh at me. I don’t wanna hurt my pride. I’ll just enjoy life, win every battle, and be strong. With these veils of deceit, I am sure that being a happy-go-lucky girl is just a charade.

I always put a brave front. But deep inside, I’m shaking with fear. Everybody knows me as the intelligent, funny, girl-next-door type of person. But nobody knows that I’m just a great actress tricking everyone’s eyes. I really am not strong. When no one sees me, I just sit at the corner and cry. I unleash my true self when I’m alone… the real me. I’m just the usual sort, perhaps less than ordinary. The emotions I hide when I’m with everybody emerge in my room, as painful as they can possibly be. My room is always flooded with anger, fear, hatred, disbelief, and every negative thought and feeling. The bright side of my world vanishes and I face the dim and dark truth. I always cry. I have to. If not, I’m afraid my heart will be overloaded and will soon blow up. It’s the hardest part of my living, when conscience wakes up and haunts me until I curl my body in fear. The human mind I more complicated than we could think it is. Our feelings are more difficult to understand than we could imagine.

Here I am, the happy-go-lucky girl--- sad, worn-out, weak, and tired. I’m always visited by my ghostly past and I can’t stop worrying if there’s a good future waiting for me. I’m bare and vulnerable. I have a hollow inside wanting to be filled with love and happiness and care. [ I told you, I don’t believe in that stupid zodiac. ]

The sadness I feel gives way to the emotional me. When I’m alone and lonely, I make poems that express my feelings, at least half of my feelings if not all. I also compose songs that always run out of tune before I could finish them. I also imagine things, great things that lead to stories I create. But unfortunately, I get lazy before I finish those stories. I have lots of ideas on my mind. I think I can be creative at times, but I’m not patient and hardworking, so it has no use. When I’m depressed I watch movies. When everything fails to lighten the burdens I carry, I just go to bed and sleep, wishing that every heartache and pain will go away by the time I wake up. But every time I sleep, nightmares find their way to disturb my dreamland and force me to face the real world where my problems still lie.

Each day will just begin and end quickly, but not as blurred and vague as I pray it to be. I just don’t want to remember anything or anyone that can add to the pains I feel. But as I ponder over, I realize that I’m the one who causes the greatest misery in my own life.

This essay reveals barely an inch of me. You still have to run a thousand miles to know who I really am. I bet no one can certainly understand the real me, and no one ever will.

do you believe that an ordinary pillow lying on your bed has extraordinary powers?.. well, i do!! i've just proven it.. wanna read my story? (like you care about my story anyway.) but maybe, you'll have plenty of time in reading this..

one night, i had a really big problem.. and i didn't know how to solve it. maybe i thought of solutions but my mind was just wandering around.. it couldn't work properly so i just wanted to give up. i wanted to sleep but i couldn't.. i was frightened and i thought i got an insomnia.. haha! lol.. i had a headache, and a toothache, my eyes were burning, and then my whole body ached!! "i couldn't believe this was happening," i said. then, i saw that my pillows are gone! my soft and lovely pillows... where did they go? i went to my mother's room.. not in there. and i when i went to my father's room, my pillows were there! oh, and i felt the "yes-finally-i-found-what-i've-been-looking-for" feeling. it's like i found a long-lost friend, or a sister gone for a long time. maybe after that, i realized that i really need a pillow to live. haha! as i lied on my bed, i felt peace.. i started thanking my pillows 'cause i know they were comforting me. the feeling was just so soothing, relaxing, and taking the stress out of me. (never tell me that i'm overacting, ok?) then i fell into a good sleep. when i woke up the other morning, the pains were gone. i thought of my really big problem and found a solution right ahead.. i realized that it was not a really big problem after all!

not only that.. my pillows help me in many ways! they become my companions in times of trouble. i can bury my face on them when i cry. i can hug them when i'm scared and when i feel all alone. i can say my problems and secrets to them and make sure that they won't tell my secrets to anybody. i play with them. they put me to sleep. and when a long day is over, i just want to be with them. it's how they work! magical and fantastic..

i just want you to know the significance of pillows in your life. maybe, you just ignore them after you wake up. you just leave them there, never thanking them for a wonderful goodnight sleep! but then, they're just there, waiting for you, never getting tired to serve you, willing to listen..

nandito na naman ako.. magkukwento ulit ng tungkol sa buhay ko. dati, masaya ako pag meron akong bagong ipo-post sa blog na 'to. pero ngayon, ewan ko ba! haha! hindi naman kasi masaya yung nangyari.. hay! ano ba, gigay? common sense naman..

actually, wala ako sa mood magkwento ngayon. hehe! pero inisip ko, baka sakaling mabasa nya 'to..so, go on. i'm taking the risk. sige, ayos lang na mabasa nyo..

i and someone got a problem.. misunderstanding lang naman yun eh! pero it struck me kasi this is the first time that we fight over something. hindi ko alam kung bakit ako pa yata yung mas guilty although i'm saying over a hundred times that i'm not the one to blame. i know it's just a simple problem that can be solved in a peaceful conversation. pero paano? we just talk over the phone and through text.. i don't think it's wise to make up over that stupid kind of communication. hindi ko alam kung kelan kami magkikita.. at kung paano kami magkakabati. it's scaring me. do i have to make the first move? but it's not my fault anyway.. i'm now torn up between my two sides fighting all the way through. for now, i can't do something. pero i know, maaayos din ang lahat..hay!

naalala ko tuloy yung childhood days ko. lagi kaming nag-aaway nung mga kalaro ko nun. minsan, nagkasabunutan pa kami ng bestfriend ko nang dahil lang sa chinese garter.. hehe! "wala..madaya ka.. sabi ko, walang kaling hanggang hips. dapat out ka na!" sabi ko na may pagka-bossy pa nun. sabi naman ng bestfriend ko, "kelan mo yun sinabi? gusto mo lang makatira kagad eh! ikaw nga dyan yung madaya." ayun, nagkagalit-galit kami.. pero after an hour lang, bati na ulit kami. tapos, naalala ko pa yung time na nagpicnic kami ng mga ka-tropa ko. sumama samin yung isang bata na sobrang takaw.. tapos, ang ginawa ko, hindi ko sya pinakain ng mga snacks namin. ayun, umiyak sya. then, after some time, naawa naman ako. kaya nagkabati narin kami. meron pa! nung naglalaro naman kami ng taguang-tsinelas, napagtripan kong kunin yung tsinelas ng kalaro ko tapos nilagay ko sa basurahan para hindi makita. inabot na sya ng gabi sa paghahanap nun.. binigay ko rin naman tsaka samin ko na sya pinakain kasi napagod sya ng husto..

ganyan mag-away ang mga bata. away-bati, away-bati. nagtutuksuhan, nag-iirapan, kampi-kampihan.. pero sa huli, sila parin ang magkakaibigan. yan ang mga bata eh! madaling magpatawad.. madaling makalimot.. madaling makipag-ayos at madaling makipagbati.

sana ganyan nalang din kami mag-away noh? yung sandali lang, ayos na ang lahat.. yung wala nang aalalahanin at iintindihin.. yung wala nang iisiping problema. alam ko namang hindi na kami bata eh.. hay naku!!

sana lang maayos na 'to,

whenever i see couples walking down the street
can't help myself but curse at my seat
i always say it's your fault by the way
then i start to blame you and it goes on all day

whenever i hear our favorite song on the radio
or see someone strum the guitar or play the piano
outrage is shaking myself inside
from all the pains, i know i cannot hide

whenever i feel raindrops falling down my face
i begin to cry, just stand there in place
many times, i mourn, and sob, then sigh
can't forget you, no matter how hard i try

'cause it always seems that everything i see
reminds me of you, i cannot flee
and brings me back just another step closer
to this relationship that i wanted to be over

>>> this poem is for my friend who is suffering from a heartbreak just recently... i know it's hard for you. but time heals every wound.. you'll see, it won't even leave a mark... cheer up gal... ^^

>>> for those affected by this poem, move on!!! if you don't know how, ask me... LOLZ!